We are all inclined to need a companion. And being a divorced man, I have this advice for married friends. Stay married. Work on your crap. Unless your partner crushes your soul. Unless abuse pulls you down — unless hatred kills your spirit — work it out.
Because, even my fellow male friends, we need a companion. And if you ditch yours, you’ll just need another. And no guarantees with her.
A song of the musical group Father John Misty:
Everyman needs a companion
Someone to turn his thoughts to
I know I do
Everyman needs a companion
Someone to console him…
The peril of so many marriage relationships is based on a cycle.
First, the exhilaration of those novel first meetings, and first dates, and days and weeks and months of exhilarating uncertainly. Second, the security of those first kisses, dating, the warmth of mutual love. Third, bliss of engagement and the wedding day and the honeymoon stage.
Fourth, the familiarity of being together.
Then, very often, contempt. Because, as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. (A friend told me recently that contempt is too strong a word.) Okay, familiarity breeds boredom.
Then, soon, differences, frustrations, resentments. Then, for many, especially men, the remedial fantasy of someone else, someone better.
Something new.
Dad always warned me against the quest for the new. When I wanted the new surfboard or new car or new house: “Son, it’s always new for 27 days but after that it becomes a responsibility.”
I don’t know where he got the 27-day part. But his words ring true. Eventually, new stuff gets old. Even partners. Partners that were once new, become old.
But if you trade her in, the cycle starts over. Because,
Everyman needs a companion
Someone to turn his thoughts to
I know I do
Everyman needs a companion
Someone to console him…
We are all inclined to need a companion. And being a single man, I have this advice for married friends. Stay married. Work on your crap. Unless your partner crushes your soul. Unless abuse pulls you down — unless hatred kills your spirit — work it out.
I look back at my marriage. A sampling of but a few of my sins:
- I can be an elitist bastard.
- I live in my head, which, I’ve been told, once or twice, makes me far too serious to be around.
- My brain scours every half locution you will utter for a sign of logical inconsistency, which I will point-out to you. You will grow tired of it, and feel insulted.
- I pursue my dreams and take risks, which isn’t always the most financially prudent way live. Women, generally, prefer security, over risk.
- I can be remarkably socially awkward because I detest small talk so I don’t always know what to say, and that is bound create embarrassing situations.
- Oh yeah, and I know everything. Because I’ve read about it. Just look at the psychology section of my library. I know everything about relationships. That’s fun to be around.
- I can explain my shortcomings as “just the way I am” — due to my INTP Myers-Briggs personality profile and because of my family or origin.
Okay, enough of my shortcomings.
Is your marriage in trouble? Want advice?
First, keep thinking that the grass is often greener. Because that’s a truism? Right?
It’s not.
And being single, though it has its benefits, at the end of the day, literally, is lonelier than hell.
And loneliness sucks. Trust me.
Next, go work on your sins with a truth-teller. I prefer professional therapists. And when you’re on that couch, stop talking about the other; talk about yourself. Talk about your pettiness. Talk about your secret sins.
Then, again, try to imagine being alone. Google articles on the epidemic of loneliness that grips so many.
Finally, maybe listen to Everyman Need A Companion by Father John Misty and sing this to your wife:
Everyman needs a companion
Someone to turn his thoughts to
I know I do
Everyman needs a companion
Someone to console him…
Like I need you.